Ill keep your secrets even if we aren’t friends, I always thought it was not just the decent thing to do but the normal thing.
Recently, I learnt of an ex friend going out of her way to find a guy I had been with and attempting to not only shag him but slander me. It blind-sighted me, at first I was creeped out and then I felt utterly vulnerable. Never in my wildest dreams would i expect that behaviour from a grown woman, I knew she was troubled but I didn’t know she was that bad. Fortunately for me I didn’t ever have enough of a sense of ease with this girl to tell her anything substantial about myself but it definitely made me wonder how many of my exes she attempted this with and how weird it was.
It got me thinking why do we do this to not only others but ourselves!? Surely it’s the number one rule of old friends – if I knew your secrets then why would I say them now and I certainly am not going to talk shit about you, it just makes yourself look classless.
I like to think most of us aren’t like that, that we can have more self respect for ourselves than to be vengeful but unfortunately for some of the women out there its not a sentiment shared.
I spoke to a few women and men about my situation and they all agreed it was pretty desperate and psychotic.
Jonathan Benton told Quora where he stood on friendship secret keeping
“Absolutely not. If someone trusted me enough to share their secrets, revealing them after the relationship, would leave them hurt and feeling like their trust was misplaced. On the other hand, not revealing would reinforce that, regardless of how the relationship ended, their trust was not misplaced,
Integrity and trustworthiness are MY values and as such, they go beyond any type of relationship. In my experience, those who DO reveal the secrets of past friends, lovers or business associates, usually do so out of bitterness, resentment or just plain vindictiveness. In so doing, they only end up damaging their own reputation.”
What we think is a safe place can sometimes be the opposite, so how do we trust our girlfriends old and new to have girl code?
So what about friends who are not friends anymore, is it ever acceptable to tell others secrets or go after their sloppy seconds?
When friends or ex friends use your information as currency it can hurt. In doing my research I learnt there are the dangerous people that find having something to share that should not be shared is like having money burning a hole in their pockets. They may trade this currency—your secrets—with someone else for some other kind of information they want. Or they may somehow “forget” that they promised to keep it private, and justify their breach by convincing themselves that once you’ve shared with them, you probably shared with others as well.
Trust is a defining part of any relationship, what saddens the most is when you are a person that keeps confidences regardless of where your friendship stands. What was once thought to me an unsaid promise, is no longer for many.
Old friends do not need to be enemies, even in the case of my situation its hard to hate when they really just need your pity for their sad, empty lives. Screams Netflix creepy stalker vibes doesn’t it!?